Where Was I?

It’s been awhile since I’ve talked down to you people and I want to apologize.

I want to apologize, but I can’t. My publicist is drafting a press release and I promised not to preempt her. This is what she does for a living and I’m trying really hard to respect that.

In the past year I’ve learned that The Patronizer is bigger than just one man, even if that man is me. I learned this from a successful Hollywood producer who called last May to ask why are you giving it away for free?

Like most people who question me, he had it all wrong. Patronizer t-shirts, tote bags, wrist bands and fragrances have sold briskly, and if I was giving it away for free then I wouldn’t be receiving micropayments for every Canadian Cialis click-thru on my site.

Still, he pressed a very good point. “You had me at No.” prodco prez told me, referring to my first blog entry. “You created a piece of intellectual property and established a brand. Do you honestly think Blogspot appreciates that? The way I can?”

This guy is a pretty big player himself. You’d recognize his name if you traveled in television circles, which you don’t so I won’t embarrass you by dropping it. His opinion, or “take,” is that the internet has revolutionized entertainment forever. Faster, cheaper, more reactive, better targeted and capable of instant global reach, online media has cut the legs out from old media and the dead weight it’s forced to lug around. Web-based creators, or “content providers” as we’re called, enjoy a freedom almost unimaginable to artists who toiled in the previous paradigm. Fresh and daring voices like mine, which frighten the ancien regime, now dominate the daily discussion.

And when a blogger hits critical mass, as I did last May, the only place left to go is the media that we left behind in the dust.

I can’t promise that The Patronizer will be the funniest new sitcom of the fall season. As it stands, Fox Television merely bought the pilot script, then told the little prick they hired to rewrite it to make my character more accessible and turn my twins into a single kid played by twin actors so they can get around child labor laws. Apparently shooting the test pilot is contingent on William Shatner’s availability. Big name prodco prez assures me that the network still loves “the arena.” I don’t know what that means and he won’t tell me. He won’t tell me much of anything since I signed the contract. It’s really insulting when someone acts like they know more than you about everything.

The important thing to remember is that no one else in this world can define you. Unless they pay you.

As I understand it, the check is in the mail.


Useful Links to the Subject

http://bcove.me/rliptnfj


Video Nook

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Good Times.

I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve received millions of emails regarding The Patronizer. The vast majority have been supportive – even fawning – but a handful have taken me to task. Specifically my last blog entry (called a blentry) in which I came down a little harsh on someone’s obsession with an iPad.

“You sound like one of those guys who thinks everything was better in the past." one reader responded. "Is it possible you’re just a technophobe? Or afraid of any change you don’t understand?”

Okay. That stung a bit. But I do take comfort that this emailer is utterly wrong. For starters I don’t hate the iPad. I don’t even own an iPad. As a Media Influencer it’s professional courtesy that I receive a complimentary review copy of all first wave technology. If you’re upset that Apple didn’t send me an iPad, call Steve Jobs. Maybe he’ll listen to you.

Secondly, I don’t think everything was better in the past. Quite the contrary. I think the world is a better place today for several reasons. Let me point out a few.


1) Television. Let’s face it, television programming hasn’t gotten much better since 1929 when RCA transmitted images of a Felix the Cat statue rotating on a turntable. But the television viewing experience has recently undergone massive improvements. Today with the 150 hours of free DVR that came with my DISH system (bite me, Comcast), I can pause or even record that Girls Gone Wild commercial while I microwave some frozen tamales from Trader Joe’s. Already I don’t remember life without DVR and I’m sure as hell not going back. Speaking of Trader Joe’s:

2) Trader Joes. I understand how we sent men to the moon and returned them safely. I don’t understand how you can sell a bottle of wine for $2 and a box of corn flakes for even less. Trader Joe’s has revolutionized my breakfast and I salute these grocery pioneers. Speaking of shopping:

3) Costco. If big box stores represent modern blight, then nothing is bigger, boxier or blightier than Costco. Some come to feed their children on free samples. Others come to marvel at the precarious system of scaffolding and inventory that towers above them. I come for the clothes. You may know Costco’s Kirkland brand for its tasty salted peanuts or reasonably reliable car batteries, but I’m a big fan of Kirkland Brand Relaxed Fit Jeans at only $16.99 a pair. I’ve never had a better fitting pair of jeans at twice the price. But here’s the burning question: is it cool to wear Kirkland jeans? Here’s the simple answer: I wear Kirkland jeans.

4) GPS. How do you find your way to Trader Joe’s or Costco? It’s never been easier, thanks to GPS or “Global Positioning Satellites”. I don’t have a problem with directions so I don’t need one, but it’s been a lifesaver for Janeen, who continues to insist that north is straight up. Beyond the Nuvi we put in her car, Janeen also has a GPS app in the cell phone I gave her. This allows me to follow her movements at any time and compare where she’s been with the colorful stories she comes up with when she gets home.

5) Blogs. Any idea how many street corners I had to shout from or people I had to waylay at cocktail parties just to share my insights? Now with a blast of spam traveling at the speed of light, I’m connected to the world. That genie is out of the bottle, people, and we will never be able to shove it back in.

Enjoy!

Useful Links to the Subject

http://www.apple.com

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Disconnect.

I think we can all agree that you don’t get your own blog unless you’ve earned the respect.

Guilty as charged.

I don’t apologize for my success. I simply try to pass it along. So it wasn’t surprising when Janeen’s kid brother offered to take me to lunch last week to pick my brain. Randy is the Director of Ideation at Metaflux, one of the Bay Area’s most innovative creators of proprietary cross-platform solution ware. We’re both important men, though I have the distinction of knowing what I actually do for a living.

Randy has the distinction of the shiny new iPad he brought to lunch, pulling up the restaurant menu on screen before the waitress could arrive with the 3D version, a feat he assumed would impress her especially if he waved it in front of her face. He could have asked the waitress precisely how awesome she thought he was, but Randy was now on his iPhone. Some assistant was getting back to him with some information he requested. Why was the assistant getting back to her boss? Because she was at lunch when he called.

Hey Randy. If you’re reachable at lunch and your assistant isn’t, she must be a helluva lot more important than you are.

Randy might have appreciated my delicious irony but an old college buddy had just e-mailed him a video of a monkey licking its balls.

He finally let me touch his iPad, informing me that it weighed less than 1.6 pounds. And here’s where I gave Randy my big idea. A paper thin piece of paper. Weighs less than 2 grams. Grams. With a simple pencil like implement you write directly on the surface and get an instant hard copy. It’s beyond wireless. It’s disconnected completely. No one in the world can bother you. It can fold up in your pocket and be used during aircraft take-off and landing. I call it the iCouldgiveashit®. The writing implement is called A Goddamn Pencil®, They cost $.02 to produce but the Early Adopters will only buy in if you charge them $1,500.

Randy seemed taken aback, possibly chastened. I told him I could probably get that iPad of his to fit in his pocket, but it would involve a hammer and a lot of screaming on his part.

Turns out Randy hadn’t taken me to lunch to pick my brain. He took me to lunch because Janeen thought we should get to know each other better.

That’s probably not going to happen again. I’m a hard man to reach.


Useful Links to the Subject

http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/obsessive-compulsive disorder

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Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

I want my country back the way it was last Tuesday

When you see a freight train hurtling toward a baby stroller with its wheel caught in the tracks, do you scream stop! or do you just shrug and look away because hey, these things happen?

I’m no screamer, but I don’t look away either. Especially when the train and baby are actually a clever metaphor for a nation hellbent on destroying itself. It’s not easy to pinpoint where things went wrong but I’ve managed to do so.

I want my country back the way it was last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday I woke up to an America that wasn’t afraid of unseasonably mild weather and the proposition that a man with a “to-do” list could get a lot of errands run. Last Tuesday I stopped at the Quiznos on Fourth Street and tried something new: their Honey Mustard Chicken Signature Sandwich on toasted Rosemary Parmesan bread. And just like that I had a new favorite sandwich. Everywhere I went that day in Last Week’s America people were wearing both a smile and a stiff upper lip, a happy grimace that spoke of our amiable resolve as a nation.

Yesterday the rains came. I wish I could say it was a metaphor, but this relentless gray downpour was as real as it was inconvenient. The mainstream media reported more rain on the way. The apologists trotted out their tired “May flowers” argument and the low reservoir hoaxsters were no doubt dancing in the street. But if you asked The People how they felt, they felt wet. No one likes having rain shoved down his throat.

And so it was with a chill already in the air that I stopped at the Quiznos on Fourth Street to find the door locked, the tables stripped and a sign informing me the store has been relocated to the nearby Montecito Shopping Center. Nearby is a relative term — in this case less than a mile — but last I checked I’m the customer and I decide what is convenient, not a tiny cabal of entrenched Quiznos executives driven by self-interest.

Some might have given up right there. That’s not my style. I drove over to the new location and ordered the same Honey Mustard on Toasted Rosemary Parmesan that had tasted so good last Tuesday. But now there was a perceptible change. The sandwich didn’t taste as good because it hadn’t been toasted. A new Quiznos employee named Treysen forgot to toast it. I’m convinced the only thing “toasted” at the new Quiznos was Treysen. By “toasted” I’m saying he was probably high on marijuana. Last Tuesday I wouldn’t have needed to explain that. Also last Tuesday I didn’t know anyone named Treysen. I liked it better that way.

It’s not just about rain and sandwiches. Dig a little deeper and you’ll find that virtually every decision in this new America is being driven by people who didn’t ask your opinion. By people who assume they know better than you on everything from endocrinology to structural engineering. By people who interpreted your silence as disinterest. There’s no better way to break the silence than with rage, and believe me, the braintrust at Quiznos is getting an earful

I’m not going to pretend America was perfect last Tuesday. I just know it was a better place. Now the country is on a slippery slope to pissing me off and I am not afraid to scream.

Useful Links to the Subject

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/marxism


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In the No.

From The Power of Positive Thinking to Yes We Can, I have watched the world become a more affirmative place. Those who know me will tell you I’m a longtime supporter of things that are good and nice. Yet it’s entirely possible we’ve lost something in this rush to pleasantness. And that would be the ability to say “no.”

The positive-thinking industry — or Big Yes — is keen to blame the world’s problems on the nay-sayers. It’s the nay-sayers who stomp on dreams. It’s the heroes who refuse to take no for an answer. But they may have it precisely backwards.

I’m not talking about saying no to drugs or a third slice of delicious chocolate cake. I’m talking about saying no to things you don’t want in the first place.

Here’s how it works: at one point and probably dozens of points this week, you will be asked to pick up the ball a colleague keeps dropping, enable a family member’s delusional behavior, accept a friend’s inane political viewpoint as fact, debase yourself for money or join a committee. You will say yes but you won’t mean it. Or you will say maybe and hope it goes away. Or you will say you’ll think about it, but you won’t. Or worse you’ll wake up at three in the morning and think about it. And you’ll be thinking that you should have said no.

No is not obstinate or uncooperative. No is empowering and liberating. And if people don’t like it, set them free. If they come back, tell them no again. Saying no doesn’t make people like you any less. At least not any less than they enjoy a good doormat. And remember, there are a lot of different ways to say no. But they don't really count unless they contain the word "no."

How does no work in my life? When Janeen asked if I liked the idea of painting the kitchen tangerine, I said no. She went ahead and painted it tangerine anyway, but she knew exactly where I stood. When the twins want to put butter on their bacon or play with the oily cloths and frayed electrical wires in the basement, I damn well tell them no. When you tell a child no you give them a gift. The gift of boundaries. Boundaries that make them feel safe, earn you respect and give them something tangible to rebel against as they enter their teens. It may not seem that way when their little faces collapse and the high-pitched shrieking begins, but deep down they really love it that you told them no.

Maybe you have a different view on the subject. Would I like to hear it?

I think you know the answer.

Useful Links to the Subject

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/no

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