In the No.

From The Power of Positive Thinking to Yes We Can, I have watched the world become a more affirmative place. Those who know me will tell you I’m a longtime supporter of things that are good and nice. Yet it’s entirely possible we’ve lost something in this rush to pleasantness. And that would be the ability to say “no.”

The positive-thinking industry — or Big Yes — is keen to blame the world’s problems on the nay-sayers. It’s the nay-sayers who stomp on dreams. It’s the heroes who refuse to take no for an answer. But they may have it precisely backwards.

I’m not talking about saying no to drugs or a third slice of delicious chocolate cake. I’m talking about saying no to things you don’t want in the first place.

Here’s how it works: at one point and probably dozens of points this week, you will be asked to pick up the ball a colleague keeps dropping, enable a family member’s delusional behavior, accept a friend’s inane political viewpoint as fact, debase yourself for money or join a committee. You will say yes but you won’t mean it. Or you will say maybe and hope it goes away. Or you will say you’ll think about it, but you won’t. Or worse you’ll wake up at three in the morning and think about it. And you’ll be thinking that you should have said no.

No is not obstinate or uncooperative. No is empowering and liberating. And if people don’t like it, set them free. If they come back, tell them no again. Saying no doesn’t make people like you any less. At least not any less than they enjoy a good doormat. And remember, there are a lot of different ways to say no. But they don't really count unless they contain the word "no."

How does no work in my life? When Janeen asked if I liked the idea of painting the kitchen tangerine, I said no. She went ahead and painted it tangerine anyway, but she knew exactly where I stood. When the twins want to put butter on their bacon or play with the oily cloths and frayed electrical wires in the basement, I damn well tell them no. When you tell a child no you give them a gift. The gift of boundaries. Boundaries that make them feel safe, earn you respect and give them something tangible to rebel against as they enter their teens. It may not seem that way when their little faces collapse and the high-pitched shrieking begins, but deep down they really love it that you told them no.

Maybe you have a different view on the subject. Would I like to hear it?

I think you know the answer.

Useful Links to the Subject

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/no

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